A Wee Skirmish with the Devil

A Wee Skirmish with the Devil


“Its not as dark in here as I expected.”
“Well, are you afraid of the dark?”
“No, actually.”
“Then that’s probably why.”
“But I always just assumed Hell would be dark, fiery, and full of screaming people in eternal agony.”
“Did it scare you when you learned that?”
“No… not really, I suppose.”
“Then, I assume that is why you are not there.”
“Oh, ok… so where exactly am I?”
“Hell, of course.”
“Then why am I not being tormented?”
“That’s what I want to know.”
The devil materialized quite suddenly.
“Can I go now? This guy I really putting me through Hell.”
”You may go, minion.”
“Thank God,” the demon said. Then, after realizing his mistake, he quickly vanished.
The devil proceeded to pull out a small pad of paper from a back pocket in his black trousers. He then took a pair of black-rimmed glasses from the front pocket of his white, satin dress shirt and put them on his well-shaven face.
“Are you the one known as Johnny Red?” he asked, not even looking up from his notepad.
“I suppose Johnny Red is my God-given name.”
“Well, Johnny Red, it seems we are having trouble finding out your deepest, darkest fear. Would you do me the small favor of simply telling me what you fear?”
“Hmmm, that’s a tough one. I would have to guess that I fear candy more than anything else.”
The devil looked at him stupidly.
“Johnny, I hope that you don’t think I would believe such a thing. I created lies, after all.”
“Hey, give me a break. I am in Hell. Do you really expect me to tell the truth?”
“No… I suppose not.”
The devil put his notepad away and tapped his temple in thought. A bowl of candy materialized in his hand and he handed it to Johnny Red. “Now Johnny, do you think that you just might be able to give me the tiniest hint of what you are afraid of? So, you could at least make this easier on the both of us?”
Johnny Red began pulling off the colorful wrappers of the candy and popping them into his mouth. “I shupposhe I cshould gishve shuo shthe tinshiest shint.”
“Please do not speak with your mouth full, Johnny.” The devil began to look aggravated.
Johnny swallowed. “Actually, I suppose my greatest fear is of other people learning of what I fear.”
“Excuse me?” The devil looked slightly perplexed.
“I am afraid of people knowing what I am afraid of.”
“And how the bloody Hell am I supposed to exploit something like that?” the devil roared in outrage.
”Well, you could start by getting me some more of those delicious candies.” Johnny Red handed the devil his empty bowl.
The devil threw the bowl aside. With a sigh, he said to himself, “This is true torture.” He sat down and put his face in his hands.
“Is something wrong?”
“Johnny, I have looked throughout your life to see what you are truly afraid of. I found nothing. You fear not heights, darkness, pain, suffering, idleness, or even death, for Christ’s sake! And you are not even a bad person! You’re merely an extremely irritating, annoying individual that didn’t make the right choice when you had the chance. And it is my job to make you suffer, but how can I do my job when you can’t do yours? Why can’t you just suffer for me Johnny?”
“Well, I suppose I could try.”
The devil looked up with a face full of hope. “Could you really just suffer for me, Johnny? It would mean the world to me.”
“Well… I’ll see what I can do.”
Johnny contorted his face as if he was heavily constipated. He grunted and his face flushed a bright red color.
“Pppppttttttt,” came a sound from Johnny’s rear quarters.
“Sorry, that’s all I’ve got.”
“RrrrAAAGHH!” The devil threw up his arms in berserking rage. Talons ripped from his fingers and he shredded off the facade of a businessman that he wore. He raked his body with his dagger-like claws until sprays of blood spewed upon the floor.
A bit of blood went upon Johnny Red’s face. He dabbed it off with a small piece of the devil’s shirt that had somehow gotten flung upon his shoulder.
“You really seem to be in the need of a psychiatrist.”
“WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?”
“There is no need to shout, really. Calm yourself down.”
“I AM BEEL’ZEBUB! I AM THE DEVIL! I AM LUCIFER, PRINCE OF DARKNESS, AND RULER OF HELL! WHY DON’T YOU FEAR ME?”
“Well, I actually find you quite amusing, rampaging about like a spoiled child. And why would I fear a little child?”
The devil’s jaw dropped. He could not begin to believe that a mere mortal, a pathetic human could have just insulted him when he was in his most fearsome, awful form.
“So, now what? What are you going to do with me?”
The devil sighed. “What do you think I should do with you?”
“Well, you could send me back.”
“Wha…?
“You could send me back, of course. I don’t have to be here. I could be… alive again, and you wouldn’t have to worry about me.”
“But, that would be useless. You would just come back again in a few years.”
“Not if I found redemption, or whatever you were talking about. I would just go back, be good, find God, or whatever, and go on to heaven when I die. Hey, I might like it better up there, anyway. I guess you could say that I am going to “Shop Around”, or look at my choices first hand.”
“And do you promise that you will look at what they have to offer up there before you come back here?”
“Would you like me to swear upon the Bible?”
“No! We have no need for that!”
“Alright, then send me back up.”
The devil thought about it.
“And please, just don’t tell anyone that I did this.”
“I will not tell a soul,” Johnny Red said.
The devil sent Johnny Red back to Earth, back to the world of the living, back to where he could find redemption for his sins and hopefully never return to Hell. This was a first for the devil.


“Knock, knock, knock!”
The mighty gates opened, “Who the fu…. Oh, hello Satan. Long time no see!”
“God, what was this emotion that I just experienced when I sent Johnny Red back to the living?”
“Why, that was happiness from achieving something, you silly fool!”
“Really! Interesting. Well, do you have any positions open at the moment?”
“Hmmm, let me see. Oh, we do have assistant manager of toiletry products! Wait, no Stan just took that position. Hmmm, ahh! Here is a good one for you! How about, “Ruler of Hell!”
“…Surely, you don’t mean to mock me, do you?”
God smiled. “Sometimes its just fun tempting the devil. And don’t you call me Shirley!”